LARISSA:  Welcome everyone! This is just Larissa at the corner of “I'm living my best life” and “Somebody else isn't happy about it.”

Today we're going to talk about resources and some options for getting help when you are leaving a situation.

So I'd just like to start by talking about some of the different nationwide resources in the United States, because there's a lot of different resources out there and people might not know about them. And the first one is a sliding scale option and it's nationwide. And {so if} you go to needymeds.com and that link will be in the show Notes and on needymeds.com, you can look up low income sliding scale and free clinics throughout the United States and you can look them up by zip code. This works for doctors, therapists, counselors, specialists, medicines, all sorts of stuff.

Another option is the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and that option is available to people who are going through any form of domestic violence. And in this instance, that would also refer to intimate partner violence. Domestic violence is violence that involves, or at least the way that I've heard it be described, is violence that involves parents with children present. Intimate partner violence, the difference is that it is just between two adults who are in a partnership of some sort or friends of some sort. However, the national domestic violence Hotline will help you if you are struggling with any form of abuse. They will be able to give you resources to so many different opportunities.

If it's a coworker or if it's a boss, HR, and you might not feel like you can go to HR, so maybe the Employee Assistance Number {EAP}, that nationwide needs to be provided by your employer would be the best option, but it just depends on the situation and what you're going through.

Another really great resource is the National Suicide Hotline, and they now have what they call a text line. So I will put those in the notes as well. And so you can text if you don't feel like you're up for having an actual conversation with somebody. And I've been there. I've been to the point where I'm like, “Dude, it would be easier for me to just sit here and text somebody than actually try and form words out loud using my mouth.” And if you feel safe enough to only text somebody, there are text lines for the domestic violence hotlines.

One of the great resources, or one of the great options that the domestic violence resources has locally and nationally, is they have a safe option to be able to leave the site. So if you are in a situation with, let's say, a partner or a parent, where you're an adult or even a kid, and you are able to know that that person is going to walk in the door at any moment, you can quickly and easily, safely escape the site, and it will leave no trace that you were there. So that you can be safely engaged in getting help or writing down a phone number or memorizing a phone number, whatever it is that you need to do.

Now, if you are a teen or a young adult who is struggling with a parent or anything like that, the National Boys and Girls Hotline is a great resource to obtain some guidance, some help, and to talk to a person where you don't even have to give them your real name.

And that is the same thing with the domestic violence lines. When you call them, you don't even have to tell them who you are. You could be Mary Smith or Jane Doe #6 if you wanted, and they will not pressure you to give more information than you're comfortable with. You can say, “I'm afraid to give you that information. I can agree to meet you at this time and place, because that will be a safe time and place. But I can't give you any more information, and I need to get off the phone.” You have the ability to not tell them. And hotlines such as the Domestic Violence Hotline are not mandated reporters in certain states. So it is safe to call those numbers and say, “I am fearful. Here's the situation I need to safety plan.” And they will sit there with you and help you create a safety plan and help you identify ways to grow through what you're going through. For example, when I first called the local DV {domestic violence} line, my partner at the time overheard the conversation and thought I was calling the police. And I came out the room feeling safe again and feeling like I could deal with him, he backed me into a corner and threatened me. And I was like, “I wasn't even talking to anyone who could do anything about this other than talk to me.” And he was like, “You called the police on me?” And I'm like, “No, I didn't.”

And so it is okay in situations to be afraid to call, because I've been there and I've been afraid to call. I've worried about, “If I make this phone call, if I make this call with somebody in the house, what's going to happen?” And it's also okay to call the police. There have been many times I've had to. There have been many phone calls to police because of threats of suicide or attempts of suicide or motive, means, intent, and plan on somebody's part where it's to the point where that's just for me, as a nurse, (that's just standard). I just call, and you can safely go through and get the help that you need from police in that situation. They will come, they will assess, they will make the person leave. If you don't feel safe, they will talk to you about your options.

And I want to tell everyone, if the police recognize that you need a restraining order, it is okay to go get one, and it is okay to be worried about getting one. I know that not everyone can trust the police, and not everyone can trust that they're going to be protected by these organizations or these resources. And especially when you've been through so much hurt and pain and situational damage, it can be so difficult to reach out that hand and say, “I need help.” Because for me, personally, I spent so much of my time refusing to let anyone help me. Because if I needed help, I was weak. And if I needed help, then it meant that there was something wrong with me. And if I needed help, it meant I had to trust someone. It meant I had to put my trust in something or someone other than me. And all I could ever rely on was me. All I felt like was reliable, was myself. And so it can be scary at first to reach out. And these organizations, they understand that. They understand that you might not take their help the first time offered, or you might take it in the first heartbeat. You might say, “Yes, I want to go to your shelter and I want to stay there and I want to be there tonight.”

They understand that.

They understand if you say yes. And they understand if you say no. And they aren't going to be angry with you. They aren't going to be angry with you if you have to call again because you went back.

They understand.

They are trauma informed organizations at these hotlines.

You know, I have had bad experiences calling a hotline once. But I think it was just the wrong situation with the wrong person in the wrong time. And I might not call that hotline next time, I might call a different one. But you have resources available to you. There are so many people who want to help individuals going through narcissistic abuse, financial abuse, mental abuse, programmatic abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, whatever it is that you are suffering through, you don't have to suffer in silence and you don't have to stay a victim.

You have the opportunity to choose to become a survivor and then a thriver. And it just takes the time and the first few baby steps. The average person will go back to their abuser seven times. So if you end up going back, don't kick yourself, don't look at yourself and go, “What's wrong with me? I went back.” Because I've done that. I've been like, “What is wrong with me? Why did I think that this might get better? I must be the stupidest person on the planet.” Don't let that Itty Bitty Shitty Committee in your head go a mile a minute because you are doing the best you can, in the situation you have, with the resources that you have been given.

And we are here for you.

We know how difficult it is to walk away. We know how difficult it is to put in place boundaries. We know how difficult it is to say, “Enough is enough.” We know how difficult it is when you've been beaten down emotionally, mentally, physically, you're sleep deprived, you're feeling worthless. We know in those situations just how difficult it is to turn to someone. And it's okay if you're struggling to trust and you're struggling to believe that you can turn {to someone}. And it's okay to make that plan. Take that time and make those decisions when it's best for you. And that might be the first step is getting a counselor through NeedyMeds.

Or another option is Psychology Today. If you have insurance and you're in the United States, Psychology Today will look, up by your insurance and by your zip code, and list all of the providers. And it'll give a description of them all, and you can look them up by their speciality. So type in “trauma” or click on the trauma box, and then even from there, if it was childhood trauma or if it's domestic violence, from intimate partner violence, things like that, suicidality, you can choose all of those things that apply and find a counselor or a list of counselors. If you have insurance that is private, you can also call your insurance provider and ask them to provide you with a list of psychologists or counselors in your area that are accepting new clients, and they are required to help you find someone that is the same for Medicaid and Medicare. Medicare, I do not recommend you call the hotline because you might be on the phone all day, but for Medicaid (so state insurance) Calmed or MediCal in California, AHCCCS in Arizona, OHP, in Oregon, AppleCare up in Washington. I'm trying to think of states that I know what it's called, CHIP if it was for a child. You can go through and you can look up or you can call the number on the back of your card, talk to customer service and ask them for a list of providers in your area. And they legally are required to help you find someone In Network and that accepts insurance.

The other option that is available for counseling is usually through State or County resources. So, for example, in Arizona, you can go through the County website and they will list all of the county counselors and they will also help you get on insurance that is just for mental health. Not every state does that. Not every state has what's called Seriously Mentally Ill (SMI) resources. Certain states have different guidelines than other states. For example, in Washington and Oregon and Missouri, they call it Severely Persistently Mentally Ill (SPMI). And so there's more requirements than just for a SMI diagnosis. For a SMI diagnosis, you would get your meds and your mental health care covered. SPMI or the persistently mentally ill, it takes a lot more work, but in those situations, there's always sliding scales. And then if sliding scale isn't an option, let's say you live in a very rural County and you don't have the ability to contact the County resources, don't have anything, you're not on insurance, the waiting lists are six to eight months long, things like that, because it does happen, and unfortunately there are situations like that. I'd recommend getting on the waitlist for everywhere you can and saying, call me as soon as there's cancellations, put me on the cancellation list. But at the same time, if those aren't options, you can always do something like self pay through BetterCare or through an internet option.

Or another option that is out there is Biblical Counseling through Celebrate Recovery. Some churches call it Biblical Counseling. Some churches offer Pastoral Care. And so calling local churches to your area and saying, I am interested in counseling and resources for somebody who has undergone trauma and I want to have the Lord help me heal, is another very great option for certain. Individuals who might be struggling with counseling needs who don't feel that a non-secular approach is available to them or would be the best option. Certain people feel that the Lord's the only way to heal. And so if that is you, there are resources. There’s Celebrate Recovery, there's Biblical Counselors that are certified through programs. They're not just people who decide that they want to counsel. They go through training and they go through education and they get resources and they learn how to help you go through that. And so that is another option available to people.

And I'm just trying to think if there's any other resources out there that help with the counseling and the mental health side of it. I know that a lot of the domestic violence programs will offer counseling to people, will offer support groups, and will offer resources to individuals who are really, really struggling with the day to day situations. I know that if you end up needing to go into shelter, a lot of times the shelters will offer groups and support inside the shelter to help you overcome what you've gone through. And it's okay if you're to the point where you need a shelter. There is nothing wrong with accepting help when it is offered. And I know that feels weird to so many people who have gone through so much narc abuse in their lives, and it's so weird to focus on yourself at certain points, because I've been there, and I know how difficult it is to put all of that energy on you and to accept that you are worthy of that energy. But I promise you that both Janilee and I believe that you are.

You have innate worth and you deserve more than just the label, than just the well, you've gone through this. That sucks. Move on. You deserve to heal. You deserve to go from having been a victim of something, to be survivor, to be a thriver.

And unfortunately, it takes ten times the effort to fix what somebody else broke in you. But it is worth it. And you are worth that effort. And I know that that took a long time for me to understand and believe and recognize. And it has taken Biblical Counseling, personal counseling, group counseling, EMDR I have been through so much counseling in my life, and it's finding the counseling that's right for you. And there is nothing wrong with any one form of it. And sometimes you need multiple forms. Sometimes you need to heal the spirit and the mind and the body. And that is okay.

Advocate for what is best for you. Tell these counselors in these places, “I know that you might think I'm stable. I don't feel stable, and I need this help.” And there is nothing wrong with that. I know how difficult it can be to stand up for yourself when you've spent so much of your life being beat down and you've spent so much of your time not being valued. But it's okay to be true to yourself and to be true to your beliefs and your desires. And it is okay to get help and to seek that help through whatever resources are available to you. There are also grant programs that Counties know about. So County resources might also, let's say your insurance won't cover the County options. The County might be able to put you through grants that will help you pay for the treatment. And not just medicine, but counseling or any other form {of services}.

And finally, the last resource that I know about that's available in certain areas in certain schools is you don't have to be a student at these schools. Schools of Psychology have Internship Programs that they run through their schools. So if you contact a university that has a psychology program or a counseling program or a social work program, they might have resources. Including student interns that would work with you and sit with you once a week and talk to you and help work through these problems that you're going through and work through the reactivity and work through the stress and those resources. There's sometimes maybe a month or two waitlist, depending on when you're calling. It's going to be shorter if you're calling right around the time when term would start or in the summer, then it would be if you're calling in the middle of a term. But they offer free counseling, kind of like if you were going to go get a massage from a student at a massage school or if you were going to go get a haircut from a student at a beauty school. It's the same sort of options. And they offer internships so that their students can receive the hours they need to be able to get licensed. It's kind of like going to a dental school and being able to get your dental work done. They have oversight. They are safe. They are helpful.

And if the counselor isn't helpful, it's okay to say, this isn't working for me. Is there somebody else that might be a better fit? And the people are going to appreciate that so much more than if you just sit there and don't get anything out of it, because then you're not doing the student who's an intern any good, and you're not doing yourself any good. And I know that that can be scary. I know it can be scary to say, you know what? This isn't a good fit. I need somebody different. And it's okay to do that. And it's taken a lot for me sometimes to be able to say, “You know what? I'm going to trade doctors. I'm going to go to somebody else. This is not working out. I'm sorry, but I think you're the reason the cuckoo clock went cuckoo or you're the taco and the platter short of the taco platter,” and that is okay to look at that person and politely say, “This isn't working. I'm going to need to find someone else, or can I talk to your supervisor about trading to a new person? Because I don't feel like this is going well.” Or saying, “You know what? I think there's a conflict of interest here between you and me. I need somebody different.” There's nothing wrong with stating that. It's showing yourself and that other person so much respect, and you deserve it, and you have the right to have it. And it's also okay to say, “You know what? I am not in a place where I can work on myself yet. I'm not in a place where I'm ready to. So I'm going to take time and I'm going to wait and work on it when I'm ready.” That is okay as well.

It's okay to do this in your time, but I want to encourage people to reach out for help when they need it and to recognize when they need it and to be able to see that if your life is being impacted because of the trauma you went through. And it probably is, if you're listening to our podcast in any way, shape or form, and there are things that are not serving you in your life, it is okay for you to advocate and work on those things, and it is okay too for you to work with somebody to help you overcome those things, it is okay to get that help. And it shows that you have respect for yourself.

So if you have people in your life that are going to tell you, wait, let me see if I can explain this better. If you have people in your life that are angry at you for going to counseling, you might be dealing with somebody who has a lot of emotional immaturity or narcissistic tendencies or is afraid that when you grow, you'll realize that they are not there for you. And those are toxic people. Any person who is not encouraging you to do better with your life is not a person that is serving {your life} the way that {that is beneficial to you}. They are a person who is probably benefiting from you having some brokenness. If you have somebody saying you need to go get counseling, go get counseling. Go check out these resources {in the show notes}.

Call.

Call these places, get this help. I urge you to consider it. I urge you to call. I urge you to look into what resources you have. Because healing doesn't happen in a vacuum. And it's okay to struggle, and it's okay to need help. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It means that you're recognizing your worth when you're willing to go get help. So, again, I will put those resources into the show notes so that you guys are able to just click on the links and find the medical counseling, biblical, whatever the organization might be. Boys and Girls Club, I'll make sure that those are all in there for you guys. And I'll put national resources down because I don't want to limit you to {the} areas just that I know or something. And those national resources will be able to link you to the local ones, and they will be able to tell you which resources have what.

Another option is something called 211.org. And I will put that in the show notes as well.

So I hope that I'm able to help you guys a little bit with understanding some of the resources out there and some of the options for counseling and getting help and getting out of situations like this. There are also grants available. So going to your Department of Economic Security (DES) or Department of Human Resources (DHR) or Department of Human Services (DHS), whatever it is, where you would go for food stamps. It is okay to go down there and talk to them and say, “I'm trying to leave a situation and I need help.” And they have resources that they can offer and they can work with you and they can budget, they can plan, they can safety plan with you as well.

So I will include that as well in the links. And I hope you guys have a wonderful day and thank you for listening and come back and listen again to more of us and more of Janilee and mine knowledge. We hope that you guys are getting as much out of it as we are when we're able to talk about these things and we're able to hopefully help guide {others} that's what this is all about is helping other people overcome the struggles that they're going through because we've been there and we've done it. We've been at the corner of “I'm living my best life” and “somebody isn't happy about it.” And there is nothing wrong with walking away from that type of situation, and there is nothing wrong with putting boundaries in place. And sometimes you just have to have some guidance and some help on that.

We do have an episode coming up on boundaries. We do have some episodes coming up on how to handle the situations a bit more, but in the meantime, keep listening in and keep learning about whether or not you might be Vilified.